***What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:

1. "What are you thinking?"
The "proper" answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been in very deep thought, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was "really" thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

1.Baseball
2.Football
3.How fat you are
4.How much prettier she is than you
5.How he would spend the insurance money if you died

2. "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."

Wrong answers include:
1. I suppose so.
2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3. That depends on what you mean by "love".
4. Does it matter?
5. Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:
1. I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
2. Compared to what?
3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
4. I've seen fatter.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answers include:
1. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
2. I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
3. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
4. Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..."

RELATIONSHIPS:
~ First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis.
~ When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to the girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.

SEX:
~ Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
~ Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

HANDWRITING:
~ To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
~ Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:
~ A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
~ The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
~ A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
~ A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the10-items-or-less lane.

GOING OUT:
~ When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
~ When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

CATS:
~ Women love cats.
~ Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS:
~ Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
~ Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

GARAGES:
~ Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
~ Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

THE TELEPHONE:
~ Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
~ A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
~ The woman says, "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
~ The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

DIRECTIONS:
~ If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
~ Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

OFFSPRING:
~ Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
~ A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
~ A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...
~ A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:
~ Women do laundry every couple of days.
~ A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS:
~ When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."
~ Men talk about "the bachelor party."

PLANTS:
~ A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

NICKNAMES:
~ With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
~ But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as "*********"

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.