Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.

Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's House
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce

Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park

Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving v SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)

50 Facts About Women

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair *before* bed.
19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
21. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"
23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
32. The first naked man women see is "Ken".
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
42. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine article guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. Their ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.

But, unfortunately, there is a drawback to asking a woman such a question. This drawback is that she, in all probability, will answer. And once a woman starts talking, it is very rare that she will ever stop. I believe this has something to do with the way that women think. Women believe that as long as they are talking, people listen to her. Of course, listening to a woman talk can be very tedious at times. It is OK not to listen to her as long as you nod your head in agreement and say Uh-huh every now and then. This makes the woman think you are listening and therefore she is happy.

Happiness is a good thing in a woman. If a woman is not happy, all hell breaks loose. In order to help a woman keep a state of happiness, one should buy her gifts for various reasons. These reasons include the 1 month anniversary, the 1 year anniversary, Presidents Day, and any day whose date is a multiple of one. These gifts could be in the conventional form of flowers and candy, or for greater happiness, cars and real estate.

Often, when a woman says something, it is not what she means. But, other times, she says exactly what she means. It is only possible to distinguish these two cases if you are a woman. Since women already know the nature of women, this is of no use to them. For men, we can only hope to distinguish the difference, for a mistake in judgement can result in death.

Women know what men want. This is very strange, because even as sometimes men don't know what they are thinking, men usually don't know what they want. However, I must observe that it seems that what men want for the most part is women. This is unfortunate, for women know this fact and know that it is possible for them to do almost anything and this fact will not change.